The final First Minister's Questions of 2021 was saved at the last minute by the Scottish Parliament's most colourful member.
Up until Christine Grahame's appearance, it was a pretty moody affair of self-isolation rules, rough-sleeping and the social care crisis. Forty-five minutes of this and even Andy Williams would've struggled to convince anyone it was the most wonderful time of the year.
Grahame, Holyrood’s Queen of Bling, was sporting a sparkly black facemask and matching top, while her shimmering cocktail-glass brooch — the undisputed star of last week’s Covid update — was back on lustrous display. In a sartorially drab parliament, Grahame is a star in all senses. In fact, the Zsa Zsa Gabor of Galashiels is twinkling so much these days that wise men are at risk of getting lost on the road to Bethlehem and ending up in the Borders.
The Midlothian South, Tweeddale and Lauderdale MSP questioned the First Minister on the welfare of teachers. Grahame, herself a former schoolmistress, cited an Educational Institute of Scotland survey reporting that half of teachers consider their wellbeing ‘poor’ or ‘very poor’. Noting her own service in the profession — ‘albeit it a wee whiley ago’ — Grahame asked what more support would be given to help teachers deal with the challenges ahead.
Sturgeon ran through the additional steps being take to ease the strain at the chalkface, before adding: ‘Knowing how much she works to keep me on my toes in her current role, I’ve always considered myself lucky not to have been a pupil in one of Christine Grahame’s classrooms.’
Cue much tittering behind her. Grahame is a woman for whom the euphemism ‘formidable’ could almost have been invented.
‘Of course,’ the First Minister ventured, ‘she’s probably thinking that she wouldn’t have been old enough to be one of my teachers. I’m not sure if she’s correct there or not.’
With Grahame perched on her right shoulder, and the glittery facemask giving no clue to how well she was taking the ribbing, Sturgeon began, ‘I think I should probably swiftly—’ then cracked up.
‘I can feel an unusual unity of sympathy for me across the chamber right now,’ she quipped.
The rest of the proceedings were so joyless they could have doubled as STV's Hogmanay schedule. Douglas Ross appealed to the First Minister to relax the rules on self-isolating or risk crippling public services and the economy. She hinted at some movement along the way provided her public health advisers okay it.
Anas Sarwar told the chamber about research showing the worsening situation for homeless people on the streets this winter and suggested opening public buildings over Christmas to take them in and provide hot food and support. Sturgeon wasn't opposed but reminded him that most public buildings are owned by councils rather than the Scottish Government.
Alex Cole-Hamilton rounded out this tragic trifecta with examples from what he called 'the deepest crisis that we have ever seen in social care', including a woman 'stuck in her bed for 19 hours a day for weeks' and a man 'left soiled for hours because there was not a second carer on hand to help change him'. Sturgeon gave a somewhat snarky answer, her standard response to questions with no easy answers.
Michael Marra, one of the most impressive MSPs of the 2021 intake, put Sturgeon on the spot over Kate Forbes’ comments on monetary policy, the Finance Secretary having wondered earlier in the week, ‘would it be such a great loss not to be able to conduct quantitative easing?’
‘That’s the kind of question I would expect from the other side of the chamber,’ Sturgeon retorted. Yes, if there’s anything Tories love it’s the government pumping money into the economy.
The honest answer to Marra's question is that Forbes, though she would hotly deny it, is essentially a Tory herself. She's the ideal Finance Secretary for a country that thinks of itself as centre left but forgets the 'left' bit every time it goes to the polling station.
Originally published in the Scottish Daily Mail on December 24, 2021.
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