This is my sketch of Nicola Sturgeon’s Covid-19 statement on Tuesday, January 18.
French social observer Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr once remarked, ‘the more things change, the more they stay the same’.
Nicola Sturgeon put it slightly less elegantly when asked about her decision to withdraw restrictions that delivered similar outcomes to unrestricted England. ‘The government’s policy and approaches to tackling Covid has, throughout these past two years, and will continue to, adapt,’ she explained to MSPs.
For those who take an interest in how the First Minister uses language, the latest edition of Sturgeon’s Holyrood Grammar sets out the following conjugation: I adapt, you back-track, he U-turns, and we need more money from Westminster.
And what a lot of adapting the First Minister is doing. Nightclubs are to re-open. More than three households will be permitted to gather once again. Curbs on indoor public events will vanish. Physical distancing rules are out and so is mandatory table service in bars and restaurants. Any more adaptations to her Covid strategy and she’ll need planning permission.
Despite a wonky microphone giving Sturgeon a little trouble at the start, Tuesday’s statement went smoothly, remarkably so since it involved her transforming — sorry, adapting — from the human embodiment of the sad-face emoji to a pandemic Pollyanna. ‘We have turned the corner on the Omicron wave,’ she announced. The First Minister needs to work either on her metaphors or her surfing.
Sturgeon spoke of ‘the decisions that Cabinet reached this morning’. A drover’s dog could tell you that the only Cabinet that makes decisions in this government is the one that sits around Sturgeon’s breakfast table. The pretence that ministers have any say over decisions such as these is faintly ridiculous, not just because Sturgeon is a micromanaging megalomaniac but because her insistence that she, rather than her ministers, make important decisions might be her most valuable contribution to good government in Scotland.
The Tories put up Dr Sandesh Gulhane, their health spokesman, instead of Douglas Ross. He said the First Minister’s statement ‘begins a sea change in the government’s policy’ and meant a ‘shift from a rules-based approach more towards trusting the Scottish public’.
Sturgeon accused the Conservatives of having 'opportunistically opposed whatever the Scottish Government has recommended'. It's pretty brief at eight words but it's still the best political manifesto I've ever heard.
Dr Gulhane pivoted to A&E waiting times, which were now the worst on record. 'The root of the problem is not Omicron,' he charged. 'It is the lack of a credible plan from Humza Yousaf. How many wake-up calls does the health secretary need before he finally devises a coherent strategy to tackle the unacceptable emergency waiting times in Scotland?'
The First Minister replied: 'We will continue to support the NHS in every way that we can, but the most important thing that all of us can do to support the NHS right now is continue to act in the careful way that we have been doing in order to keep cases on that downward trajectory.'
You have to wonder who concocts this meaningless verbal custard for the First Minister. She is the head of the Scottish Government being questioned on why, after almost 15 years of her party being in power, patients are waiting longer than four hours for emergency medical treatment. Is there a reason she sounds like a civil servant doing a job swap with a motivational speaker?
Sturgeon told Dr Gulhane: 'I hope that those figures will start to improve in the weeks ahead.' It's great to hear about the First Minister's hopes and dreams but since she is First Minister, and since she has total control over the NHS in Scotland, and since running the country is sort of her job, her plans to improve policy outcomes would be more welcome than her best wishes.
To end on a more upbeat note, Ruth Maguire, MSP for Cunninghame South, got a round of applause when her question was called. Yesterday was her first day back at Holyrood after a battle with cervical cancer. ‘I was hoping to slip in quietly, but thanks,’ she quipped.
Originally published in the Scottish Daily Mail on January 19, 2022.
Thanks Stephen at least you are not one of her paid stooges 😁👠👠
"Verbal custard" 10/10.