Nicola Sturgeon's imaginary Tories
The SNP leader whipped up the Nationalist faithful with tales of devolution-hating Conservatives.
The UK Government is never more impressive than when it’s being described by Nicola Sturgeon.
Delivering her keynote address to the SNP conference, the party leader told delegates the Westminster government was ‘seeking to block Scottish democracy and deny Scotland the choice of moving forward to independence’.
In a polemical flourish against the Internal Market Act, she warned: ‘Boris Johnson’s government is actively eroding the power of our democratically elected Scottish Parliament.’ In fact, the Tories were waging an ‘assault on the Scottish Parliament’.
Now, that’s more like it. When did all this good stuff start happening?
Alas, this version of the UK Government exists entirely in the fevered imaginings of Scottish nationalists, which is why it got such an airing in Sturgeon’s speech. The tub-thumping talk was crucial this year because the pandemic ensured the whole event was a low-key affair. It was even held on Zoom, though it could’ve been worse. It could’ve been Perth.
Attending a party conference from home isn’t all that different to being there in person. You sleep till 11, down your first pint at noon and wish you’d downed a few more when the time comes for Ian Blackford’s speech.
Sturgeon made heroic efforts to talk up the Scottish Government’s performance. Take a bow, whichever of her speechwriters snuck in the line ‘We already have a track record of delivery’. We must have been out the day they tried to drop off smaller class sizes and a scrapped Council Tax.
The policy announcements were a mixed bag. £30m more for GPs to spend on primary care is pocket change but the doubling of the Scottish Child Payment to £20 a week will make life easier for low-income families.
But the speech wasn't really about policy. Standing in front of a giant saltire — because, of course — Sturgeon castigated the Conservatives over Brexit. 'The Tories appear to have embarked on permanent conflict with the European Union,' she rebuked. 'Instead of building bridges they are burning them.' What's more, the party 'sees EU-bashing as a vote winner'.
Imagine. A governing party that endlessly provokes constitutional discord with a political and economic union. Anyone in the vicinity of a glasshouse is asked to be on the lookout for flying debris. The issue with Boris Johnson was 'not just about him as an individual' but about 'a Westminster system that enables someone like him to become Prime Minister in the first place'.
Yes, it's always regrettable when overbearing, boorish men are allowed to reach positions of power unchallenged by their closest colleagues. What a short memory Sturgeon has, but then we knew that already.
Naturally, there was pandering to the rank and file on independence, with Sturgeon vowing: 'In the course of next year, I will initiate the process necessary to enable a referendum before the end of 2023.'
Initiate the process necessary to enable. If Sturgeon had been in charge of the US Declaration of Independence, it'd still be in her drafts folder today. In the meantime, the SNP would make 'the positive case for independence'. It's going to take more than two years to come up with one of those.
Perhaps her biggest claim was that secession would be 'the building block for the progressive internationalism that we stand for'. I suppose at a virtual conference you have to expect virtual signalling.
In the morning, Sturgeon had delivered a briefing on the discovery of six cases of the Omicron Variant, which continues to sound like a Seventies sci-fi thriller starring Charlton Heston. Her message was: don’t panic — yet. Travel restrictions would be tightened up and the public was asked to continue masking, hand-washing and surface-scrubbing.
The First Minister maintained she wasn’t telling anyone to cancel their Christmas or winter break plans. ‘Getting vaccinated is the most precious gift we can give this Christmas,’ she intoned.
All in all, I’d rather have the money.
Originally published in the Scottish Daily Mail on November 30, 2021.
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