It's not easy being Green
SKETCH: Nicola Sturgeon touts cooperation talks with Patrick Harvie as Greens caught breaking Covid rules down the boozer.
The main story from Nicola Sturgeon's Programme for Government was formal talks between the SNP and Scottish Greens to strike a cooperation pact. It was big news: who knew the SNP and Greens were separate parties?
In arithmetical terms, it makes sense for Sturgeon. An official alliance would tip her government into majority status. Constitutionally, there are those who say a majority pro-independence administration would be harder to deny a second referendum.
On the other hand, it means having to work alongside Patrick Harvie, the grumpiest little elf in all of Munchkin Land. Besides, the Greens already behave like a junior coalition partner, so what's really in it for the SNP? It could be the worst return-on-investment acquisition since Alistair Darling bought Northern Rock.
Harvie and the Herbivores had been in the news for a different reason, after a photograph emerged of three Green MSPs meeting in a pub in defiance of Covid restrictions. They appeared to have alcohol on the table in front of them but you just know it was some godawful vegan concoction made from organic soy beans and ethically sourced sandals.
'We're kicking ourselves,' Harvie and co-leader Lorna Slater commented. Imagine how the publican feels. He's now the bloke whose boozer is so blandly bougie it's the preferred watering hole of Green MSPs. He'll never live that down.
The First Minister kept underlining how important it was to press ahead on negotiations with the Greens because, although talks may ultimately fail, such cross-party cooperation was the spirit of devolution. She basked in self-congratulation. How boldly, bravely progressive was she, shunning the nasty old ways of nasty old Westminster to be more like those leaders in the Scandi political dramas she loves to binge-watch.
An under-acknowledged facet of Sturgeon’s approach to government is just how much of it is about process. She drops all the right buzzwords without ever saying anything memorable, talks in aims and ambitions but seldom addresses output. Her metrics for success are not policy outcomes delivered but retweets garnered from political scientists and FT journalists. If you’re wanting someone to use the latest jargon or espouse the faddiest cause, she’s the woman for you. If you’re after a hospital referral, best look elsewhere.
In addition to annexing the Greens, Sturgeon confirmed she would be nationalising ScotRail plus a hospital in East Ayrshire. A consultation would be forthcoming on a National Care Service and companies that were 'willing' would be encouraged to move to a four-day week. (Why stop there? Holyrood works a three-day week and that's still three too many.) There would be a new Council on Economic Transformation, and no wonder. By the sound of these plans, the economy is going to transform, all right.
The First Minister called for 'a grown-up and cooperative approach to politics'. It’s quite something hearing Nicola Sturgeon appeal for unity. Like listening to Godzilla lecture the mayor of Tokyo on skyscraper repair.
Douglas Ross turned up in a one-size-too-small navy suit jacket and skinny blue tie. Smart enough for Holyrood but he still looked like an estate agent trying to get a boyband going in his spare time. He noted that, even as she mouthed the language of unity, Sturgeon was still pushing for another referendum on separation. The Nationalist pews weren't having any of his blasphemy and up thundered a great squall of heckles.
‘Of course, we’re not going to go back to the old ways of Westminster unless it suits the SNP,' Ross quipped.
His colleague Liz Smith didn't enjoy much more success when her time came but she did extract a very telling response. Citing an Auditor General report that lambasted the SNP government for 'a lack of clarity and transparency' on its spending of public money, she asked Sturgeon's response.
'We respond to all Audit Scotland reports,' the First Minister began, before shifting tone abruptly to remind Smith 'the election is over... and the people have decided'. Probity is for polling day, impunity is forever.
Originally published in the Scottish Daily Mail on May 27, 2021.