Grits spirit
Politics Notebook #21: My 16-point plan for Mark Carney’s premiership.
Congratulations to Mark Carney, the new leader of the Liberal Party and soon to be Canada’s first male prime minister since Stephen Harper.
Some of my more jaded brethren in the commentariat have already written off Mr Carney, pointing out that the current government has at most seven months remaining before an election must be called.
However, I have every faith that the prime minister-designate can turn things around, and to that end here is my 16-point plan to restore Canadian greatness.
1. A Maoist purge of the legacy of Trudeau. Justin Trudeau. Pierre Trudeau. All Trudeaus. Even blameless Hal Trudeau, who runs a popular gas station/spudnut concession stand on the road out of Moose Jaw
Yes, I’m aware he’s cute. (Justin, not Hal.)
2. GET: General ‘Eh’s Tax
It’ll eliminate the deficit, eh?
3. Rename British Columbia ‘Gay Alberta’
Either that, or ‘North Seattle’. Same diff.
4. Rename Tim Hortons ‘Straight Starbucks’
I mean, these things are relative.
5. A national apology for Samantha Bee
It’s the worst thing Canada’s done to the United States since the Siege of Detroit.
6. Hold a referendum on sovereignty for Quebec, but only in English
And expropriate their poutine.
7. Bring back Due South
Major Nineties nostalgia trigger.
8. An Act to clarify that rain on your wedding day is not an example of irony
Also, why does she own 10,000 spoons?
9. Invade Vermont and dump their maple syrup into Lake Champlain
These people serve cheddar cheese with apple pie. Major sickos.
10. Do something about the national anthem
And stop singing half of it in French. If your arm can learn how to carry swords and crosses, you can learn how to sing about it in English.
11. Set up a Canadian version of the CBC
Brent Bambury’s all right (dishy), though.
12. Offer medically assisted dying to Murdoch Mysteries
18 seasons and counting. Turn-of-the-century Toronto had a population of 210,000. There can’t have been that many murders. This isn’t Cabot Cove we’re talking about.
13. A Royal Commission to investigate the comedy career of Rick Mercer and prevent future such outrages
All the humour of an NDP federal executive meeting.
14. Prosecute the prankster who keeps scribbling ‘whisky’ on bottles of Canadian Club
Mislabelling brake fluid is not funny and could cause serious injury.
15. Let Trump annex everything north-east of Sainte-Anne-de-Bellevue and south-west of Old Longueuil
You want Canadian territory? Here, have Portland with better personal hygiene.
16. Station the Maple Leafs along the border and tell them the US Army are Bruins fans
Hello, 50 new provinces.
