This is my sketch of First Minister’s Questions, held on Thursday, April 28, 2022.
It’s the most dubious disappearance in shipping since the Mary Celeste: the vanishing of a ministerial chitty explaining why the Scottish Government went ahead with the Ferguson Marine ferry contracts.
You remember. Those were the agreements that commissioned £97m worth of ship-building and ended up paying £250m for no ships.
Who is the Scottish Government using as its contracts lawyer? My Cousin Vinny?
Douglas Ross was on at Nicola Sturgeon again at First Minister’s Questions.
He reminded the chamber that Audit Scotland had been unable to get the document and quoted a risible line from a Scottish Government spokesman, who had declared: ‘A thorough search has been conducted and the paperwork ... cannot be located.’
Steady on. Any more tireless investigating like that and they’ll put Columbo out of a job.
Ross called the situation ‘laughable’, adding: ‘A few weeks ago, the First Minister was telling us that a big boy did it and ran away. Now, the dog has eaten all her homework. Those excuses would not cut it in a primary school classroom.’
The way education's going under the SNP, those excuses probably get you four Highers and half an HND in primary schools these days.
Ross demanded to know where the all-important document had gone. Sturgeon's strategy was two-pronged. First she deployed a quote from the Auditor General, who had told MSPs that 'an important piece of documentary evidence' was missing — not because it had been 'withheld' but because it was 'not prepared in relation to the judgment that ministers arrived at'.
That Sturgeon was touting this in her defence was extraordinary. It was as though she had been pulled over and assured the officer: 'Of course I'm not refusing to show you my licence. I don't have a licence.'
Her second line of argument was that, sure, the ministerial decision had not been logged, but it had been noted in several related papers. Sturgeon called the oversight a ‘missing link’ in the chain.
The Scottish Tory leader scoffed at these attempted evasions. He recalled how the First Minister had boasted of saving Ferguson's being 'one of the achievements we are most proud of'. Then, with a lilt in his voice that suggested he was enjoying this more than was seemly, he snipped: 'The SNP was so proud of it that it did not want anyone to know about it.'
He suggested the document ought to have been 'hanging on her wall'. 'Maybe that's it. Maybe the document is hanging on Nicola Sturgeon’s wall in Bute house.’ Ross proposed that this looked like 'an almighty cover-up' and repeated his call for an explanation as to where this document had gone.
'It might be a good use of his time to read the 200 documents,' she spat.
'It might be a good use of her time if she answered the question,' he shot back.
Ross taunted the First Minister that she was ‘a master of detail right up until the point at which the government makes a mistake’. Thereafter, ‘her memory is like a sieve’. He continued: ‘Every time the going gets tough, we hear, “She can’t recall,” “She doesn’t know,” “She’s not sure.”’
Ross enquired how many Ferguson Marine staff were under an SNP-imposed gagging order and whether those orders would be lifted to allow everyone to share what they know with a future inquiry into the debacle.
No number of non-disclosure orders was provided but Sturgeon did offer a mealy-mouthed bromide about 'encouraging everybody to comply fully with any future investigations'. Ross was getting nothing more out of her.
He tried asking — for a fourth time — what had happened to the vital document but that ship had already sailed. It’s the only one that has lately.
Originally published in the Scottish Daily Mail on April 29, 2022.
Excellent..thoroughly entertaining read. I only hope that these evasive performances by Sturgeon translate to lost votes at the local elections. Her frazzled, angry fishwife replies show she is lying through her teeth.
A fine performance by Douglas Ross …..he ‘fairly got tore’ into her and she was clearly rattled . None of her spurious arguments stood up as it’s impossible to defend the indefensible . For me the only thing which marred the proceedings was the inane applause from her backing group who were clapping someone they clearly knew was telling porkies . Mind you they’re used to it .