1 Angry Hen

Scottish Tory leader Douglas Ross upstaged by winged warbler during Covid-19 statement.

It was a day of firsts at Holyrood. Patrick Harvie answered his first question as a minister and Nicola Sturgeon delivered the first Covid update of her newly expanded government. 

Murdo Fraser, one of the dwindling band of MSPs not in possession of a ministerial office, clyped to the Presiding Officer in a point of order. By some unfathomable intrigue, the BBC had gotten hold of the details of the First Minister’s statement and begun posting them on Twitter. Among the revelations was that Sturgeon was about to stand up and propose the introduction of vaccine passports, albeit under the mildly less sinister-sounding name of ‘vaccine certification’. 

Fraser said the leaking of the announcement was a ‘discourtesy’ to Holyrood. Under a convention no one even pretends to abide by, parliamentary statements are, as the term subtly implies, supposed to be delivered to parliament, not the WhatsApp of BBC political reporters. Alison Johnson hadn’t seen Twitter — she has a job, after all — but pledged to investigate. 

The First Minister kept mum on the leak but confirmed the Beeb’s story: vaccine passports — sorry, ‘certification’ — were on the way in. She set the scene by running through the statistics and they were undoubtedly gulp-worthy. 

Case levels were 80 per cent higher than last week and while ministers had expected the easing of restrictions to bring an upwards tick in infections, ‘the scale of the increase in recent weeks has been extremely concerning’. The numbers, she said, confirmed the Indian variant was ‘significantly more transmissible than earlier strains’. While she didn’t want to reimpose restrictions, it would be ‘grossly irresponsible’ to take the possibility off the table. 

This was the softening up to convince us that accepting vaccine passports was in our own best interests. Not so much a carrot vs stick approach as a stick vs a really big stick. The regular-sized stick will involve proof of vaccination status being required for entry to nightclubs and ‘adult entertainment venues’, as well as standing indoor events with an audience over 500, standing outdoor events north of 4,000 attendees, and any event where more than 10,000 are gathered. Shops, schools, hospitals and anything else deemed ‘essential’ would be exempt. Her generosity knows no bounds.

Douglas Ross MP MSP @Douglas4Moray

Oblivious to the disruption she caused. https://t.co/mBQPY9lVaA

Stephen Daisley @JournoStephen

I understand that the strange screeching noise that drowned out @Douglas4Moray Zoom question to the First Minister was from a hen trying to come in his back door. I'm not even making that up.

From tomorrow, Scots will be able to access a QR code to download their ‘vaccine certificate’. This was being rolled out ‘well in advance of any certification scheme coming into operation’ — and a mere 15 weeks after NHS England’s mobile app. 

Douglas Ross was Zooming in from home and he interrogated the First Minister on the impact of any future restrictions on businesses. Or, at least, he tried to. A couple of sentences in and up came a blood-curdling shriek. BRRAAAAHH! Then another, louder this time. BRAAAAAAAHHH! The ululating grew more insistent until every third or fourth word was unintelligible above the high-pitched howling. The last time I heard screaming like that, Jodie Foster had to rescue someone from a well in a basement. 

Sturgeon and her front bench tittered nervously, though I can confirm nothing sinister was in the offing. What with it being a sweltering day in the north east, the Moray MP had left the back door open, only to see a hen amble up to the threshold and begin clucking maniacally. A source close to Douglas Ross says the boisterous bird is a rescue hen saved from the slaughter by the Scottish Tory leader. My source, who must remain anonymous, feels the avian agitator could show a little more gratitude and not show him up while he’s questioning the First Minister. 

Any embarrassment Mr Ross might feel is nothing compared to the red faces round Scottish Green Towers. Just 24 hours after sealing their coalition deal with Nicola Sturgeon, the party released a statement demanding ‘assurances’ from ministers that vaccine certificates won’t ‘adversely affect vulnerable people’. Another first: a government briefing against itself.

Originally published in the Scottish Daily Mail on September 2, 2021.

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